Why Some Married Women neither take their Husband's Name nor Wear a Wedding Ring...
77To take husband's name or not to take? That is not the question.
Have you ever wondered why some women reject the idea of taking their husband's names or why they are not ready to put on a wedding ring? Probably not, since one does not come across this category of women as much as one comes across those who take their husband's names or wear a wedding ring.
There is no doubt that people have different reasons for deciding whether or not to take their husband's name or whether or not to wear a wedding ring. Some reasons I am familiar with (through friends, acquaintances, and reading ) in relation to the husband's name include: Believing it is natural for one to take one's husband's name;considering that it shows the hubby that as his wife you are committed to him and him alone, the belief that as a wife one has now crossed over and has moved to join the husband's family; believing that marriage and husband's name are synonymous; not knowing why it is done and just doing it because "that's just how things have been for ages"; being under the false impression that it is a legal requirement; (having watched too many Hollywood movies ) believing that one will not feel married if people do not refer to you as "Mrs. Husband's Name", convincing oneself that family's administrative stuff will be easier if everyone has one name which naturallyis the husband's...The list could continue...
In case you have not been fortunate to come across the category of women who opt not to take their husband's name or who are not in favour of wedding rings, here's what I have to say:
- Isn't marriage supposed to be a union of Equals? Or is he just more equal than I am?
- My name is part of my history (my childhood, my family, my friends, places I've lived in, schools I went to, people I knew...) and there is no reason why it should not be part of my future.
- It is part of my identity. Why should I, on getting married, do away with a part of who I am while my partner gets to keep his intact ? It does not matter whether I come from a family of serial killers or one of royals...
- Just because something is popularly said to be 'tradition' does not make it unquestionably right. Traditions are created by people like you and I, to serve the interests of a particular group of people...In some parts of the world, it is tradition to marry under age girls; to arrange marriages for one's sons and daughters; to engage in polygamy... Does that make these traditions unquestionable and right? Hey, do not get me wrong. The idea here is not to compare the husband 's name taking and the wedding ring debate to the three examples of traditions that I cite. My idea is rather to simply show that for me anything that comes under the label 'tradition' needs to be indiscriminately questioned.
- I have a first name that was a heavy load to bear throughout my childhood, teens and early adult life. It is a very unique Christian name that some would love, but that I grew up feeling totally disconnected from. It stands for everything I do not believe in. As a child, it came to replace my Kenyan first name, since in the true spirit of Christianized post colonial Kenya, my parents got me baptised. And if you are familiar with pre colonial and colonial missionary work in different parts of Africa, then you are probably aware that missionaries perpetuated cultural imperialism, and naming was just one of their many ways. For example, African names were deemed not fit for heaven and African converts had to get baptised and to receive a second first name (Christian). So, I know what I am talking about when I say I would not be myself if I had to carry someone else's name. I want to remain true to myself, my beliefs.
Perhaps if you have grown up with the effects of cultural imperialism, are an immigrant, and are in a multicultural union, that makes you more sensitive to the husband's name debate.And then perhaps not; since I have been acquainted with women who cannot wait to get rid of their African family names in exchange for that of their husbands' European names.
As for the wedding ring...
- Yes, I am a woman, and ( or is it 'but') I do not necessarily adore jewellery, as women are normally portrayed to. Especially not jewellery that is imposed under societal prescriptions, and that I would have to wear 365, 24/7...I like my hands free.
- Some say a wedding ring serves to send out the non verbal message "I am a married woman, so watch your tongue". I on the other hand prefer to have strangers or acquaintances relate to me normally. If I do not like what they are telling or are about to tell me, I have a mouth and a tongue that I will use to let them know. I don't need a piece of metal around my fingers to do the talking for me.
- It would feel like a yoke and I can do without the added drama I see around with husbands and wives pulling them on and off whenever they have small scale arguments or serious disputes.
- Religious justifications have never worked for me...Aside from there being too many interest laden interpretations and hypocrisy, I am not the religious type.
- Again, it is a 'tradition' I do not identify with and therefore feel nothing for it.
Hey, Relax....
You do not have to like what I've written. I expect that a good number of people will feel irritated by this hub. And that's just fine. The world is made up of all sorts of people who hold all sorts of different beliefs and convictions, and thankfully so! Imagine how boring the world would be if all of us were the same, had the same thoughts and shared the same practices...
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gpinheiro , thank you very much for sharing. I find that your thoughts and expectations at the time were absolutely coherent and normal; at 16 people/youngsters have only just begun understanding the world and are more often than not very impressionable. There are a lot of things that I was ready to do or not do when I was 16 or thereabout, and today my approach or reactions would definitely be different. I look forward to knowing you some more :-)
Thank you Tulai for your kind words. If you want to know some more about me, please follow me.:-)
I have been married twice. Neither time did my wife take my name. I agree completely that a woman's name is her history. My mother kept her last name. Some times she would use a hybrid, others, she was forced by society to use my father's name. But she always introduced herself with her maiden name. I think that the main reason women took men's names was that women became the property of the man. That is a form of slavery. Yet, the name changing still remains as a reminder that men are the ones controlling society.
Since I believe in total equality in treatment and opportunity for all, I couldn't accept that my wife would change her name for me. Luckily,I married feminists (I doubt I would have ever married a conservative woman) who readily agreed to keep their names. The first time it didn't last. She actually became very conservative right after college. But the second time, it has lasted over 23 years.
A woman changing her name is just a symbol of male dominance. My marriage has been a marriage of equals. As for wedding rings, she does love jewelry. But she wears only when she wants to.
We also agree on Christian cultural imperialism. I remember when I told my mother that I was never christened. She replied that I was. I told her that I had nothing to say in that matter, such christening, in my opinion, is like a rape. It is imposed on a defendless person.
gramon it is so rare (for me) to come across men who are as totally at ease as you are, with the issue of married women retaining their surnames (More so when the women in question are their wives or wives-to-be). Men who think and act like are rare; your wife is a very lucky and wise woman!
Even here in France where women are 'legally and equally covered' when it comes to 'retaining' their surnames, my experience has been: in general women are the worst "gate keepers " of the I-take-my-husband's-name tradition ( Really, someday I will write a chapter on my experiences with that :-) ). As for men, I have learnt to look beyond what they say and it often becomes evident that most of their talk about being fully in favour of equality between them and women, is but window dressing. The surname thing remains a super blind spot for a large majority. Most do not consider the fact that their wives change of surnames, is a symbol of inequality in the marriage.
Thank you for taking the time share your exceptional experiences!
You are welcome. Actually, thanks for your post!
I think that the saddest aspect of the struggle for women's equality is that women are the main culprits in generating inequality. As mothers, they teach their children to think as unequals. There is quite often much more pressure by the mother than the father when it comes to issues from virginity (which I consider the biggest mark of ownership of women) to independence as adults.
Hi
I am a man. Hope that does not make my opinion wrong in the first place :-)
This is my personal opinion.
Traditions are made by people like you and me. And that does not make them right. It does not make them wrong either. Infact that makes them nothing. They are just that. Traditions. Based on our opinions, we might choose to ignore some and accept others, or start our own! So let's ignore tradition for a moment and look at the concept by itself.
I believe that taking on a husband's name means taking on his LAST name? So Gina Carter becomes Gina Conelly. And not John Conelly. Your 'family' identity changes. And I believe that is exactly what it is supposed to suggest. The idea was that the woman married into the man's family. Our rituals are the outcome of our beliefs; and not the other way round. If you do not accept the concept of marrying into teh family, changing a name is just a hollow ritual and nothing else. One might argue that not changing ones name NEED NOT mean that she does not accept the man's family. The response to that would be, once you accept the man's family as your's now....what's in a name? But when name, identity, me, myself becomes important, then of course changing name is pointless. I would in fact suggest not to.
Same goes for rings. It is merely a symbol. In some cultures(India), the symbol is a necklace, or a red dot on your forehead. It is pointless to judge the symbols. The opinion should be formed on the underlying belief. A red dot on your forehead??????!!! Totally weird!!! But in India, the symbol is so common place, that it does not feel so. When the same women wear western attires, the dot might become tiny, or go away!! Nobody abjects or feels 'unmarried'. But confusing it with slavery, male dominated societies, loss of identity might not be what they are really meant to be :-)
Hello Vijay,
Thank you for taking time to read the hub and for commenting.
And no, being a man does not make your "opinion wrong in the first place".
I'm with you, on the tradition thingy except for the part where: You make it sound like traditions are insignificant and harmless social constructions and where you propose that we ignore tradition and to just focus on understanding practices such as 'surname changing among married women', without viewing them through the lens of tradition.
In my humble opinion, traditions are not just comprised of rituals and practices. They also include beliefs and ways of thinking and acting that have been passed on from generation to generation. The widely accepted idea or belief that a woman marries into a man's family (and not vice versa!) IS tradition, and a questionable one at that.
It is, I find, difficult to disengage the act/ practice from its fuller social traditional context.
You raised some interesting points that I would like to react to:-)
You wrote "But when name, identity, me, myself becomes important, then of course changing name is pointless. I would in fact suggest not to."
I think following traditions unquestionably has the effect of killing the "I, me, myself". Uncritical tradition-formatted minds prevent individuals from developing their personal identities and hampers personal growth. And that I think is what often breeds all kinds of shallow individuals who are often intolerant of other persons who do not share their traditions or traditional beliefs (I'm thinking wide here, beyond the marriage surname tradition)
You also said "It is pointless to judge the symbols. The opinion should be formed on the underlying belief."
I tend to think that one cannot ignore the symbols. Since these are what are on the outside, majority of people tend adopt symbols, without even being familiar with the underlying traditional belief. The starting point, in my opinion, has to involve identifying what is on the outside, the visual: symbols and practices.
Finally, "But confusing it with slavery, male dominated societies, loss of identity might not be what they are really meant to be".
Let's be forthright, First, we live in a predominantly male dominated world. Second, when one advocates viewing these two and other gender biased practices without linking them to the concept and reality of gender biased tradition, then it also becomes all too easy to argue that loss of identity and women's secondary status are unfortunate, accidental, unintended outcomes. A denial that serves to further perpetuate inequalities between men and women.
Hello everyone,
I’ve found everyone’s comments to be really helpful and interesting. I have a relevant dilemma at the moment so I’ve been trawling the ‘net for support.
My partner has very recently proposed to me and I didn't hesitate to accept. However, now the problems have started. I’m actually quite fanatical about retaining my own surname as it's my identity and my history - it is who and what I have been for the past 42 years and I can't understand why it cannot also be a part of my future. There's not much in life that I am completely passionate about, but I am about my family who are everything to me. Relinquishing my family name is incomprehensible. However, my partner (who is usually very laid back and, unfortunately, not very forthright with his opinions) is horrified that I feel this way. I do understand how he feels but this does not necessarily make it right for us both. His argument is that it is ‘tradition’ and he would only feel half married if I didn’t take his name and he’s now announced that he’s going to stand his ground on this, as am I. Stalemate? I think so!
Anne Louise - I am right beside you! And its KILLING me. My boyfriend and I are not engaged but we've made it clear that we will eventually get married. Meanwhile, we live married. I am VERY attached to my name. Not because it is my fathers - but because it is who I am and have been for 26 years. Moreover, I refuse to be the only one to bend. I want equality and if he's going to make me change then he should too. Or if he isn't then I shouldn't. But its much more complicated than that. We recently had the discussion again where my BF told me that it was an insult not to take his name and that by not doing so I'm showing that I"m too good to be a ...... But when I place the same scenario on him he just shakes his head and says he's not budging. It has been a horrible few days of absolute tyrany between the two of us becuase I don't want to uphold a tradition I don't believe in. (BTW - I don't believe in diamond rings or weddings either.) Then today, he told me that not losing me was more important than a last name so I could do whatever I wanted. You would think I would be happy - I won right? No - I'm still tormented. I'm afraid that though I'm standing up for my beliefs - I'll be knocked down for not conforming. I can't decide if I should resent myself forever - or have other people resent me forever... ... why are we told be unique and criticized for doing just that????? I just want to be happy with myself and I want him to be happy.
I have been married for 27 years and have kept my own name. I would even prefer a 'next of kin contract' to marriage. Some of the marriage contract is out of date!
Yes, I have had more objection to keeping my name from women and some even ask 'why marry?' I just smile and tell them that my husband didn't change his. In rare cases men do (and legally can) take their wifes name.
No woman should ever be made to feel guilty by a man lacking in the condfidence to accept her choice.
hey tulai....i am completely in harmony with you. everyone has their own domain of thoughts..and i think men and women at par equal having their own set of strength and weakness. man is no way the creator of the universe and so both have equal rights. i shall be gleeful if every denizen of india i.e of the fairer sex shall incorporate this step towards liberalization of the fairer sex
gpinheiro 2 years ago
Hi Tulai,
I really enjoyed your hub and totally identified myself with it. I am Portuguese and married when i was 16 and pregnant (for all that matters i am still married ... after all these years). I thought that two of the most important things were to have my husband's name and a large wedding ring, so that all the other girls could see that we were married. But then i was only 16...
If it were today i would keep my family name, because I have been my father and mother daughter for all my life. And probably would not wear a wedding ring, because just like you I do not wear jewels, actually I only wear my wedding and 25th wedding birthday rings because it has become an habit, nothing else.